A Valuable Tip for Parents Separating
Divorce / Separation involving children is becoming more common… most parents primary concern is usually custody, property settlement, daily schedules, organizational matters and so on, but the number one priority should be the emotional well-being of the children. Although parents may think that the time children have with each parent is the most crucial factor, it’s not nearly as important as seeing ‘mummy’ and ‘daddy’ getting along and being friendly.
Firstly, it’s important to remember that it’s better to come from a broken home than to live in one (Dr Phil). So if children don’t witness a happy, harmonious, loving and affectionate parent relationship the majority of the time, but rather see frequent conflict, blame, abuse and criticism between their parents, then this is an example of living in a broken family where separation my in fact be in the best interest of the children. Although separation is difficult for children, it’s much more difficult and upsetting for them to consistently witness and be exposed to conflict, anger and bitterness between their parents.
As a parent who has gone through two separations involving children, I know how much time and energy can be spent arguing and worrying about care arrangements, financial matters, schedules and so on. But the truth is; none of this matters nearly as much as a child’s need to see their parents having an amicable and friendly relationship. Research shows that one of the things children need the most after their parents separate is to know that ‘mum and dad’ like each other and are friends. It’s that simple! Gifts, fun, excitement, sleep-overs, time with mum versus dad and so on, are not nearly as important as knowing that mum and dad are friends.
If it really is that simple… ‘to just be friendly’… then why is it so damn hard for us to do? To ask me to be friendly with my ‘ex’ in the height of our conflict over custody and property issues was like asking me to cut off my right hand. Looking back, I now realize that it was my damaged EGO that kept me stuck in blame, resentment, judgment and anger. When ‘the hurt’ we feel from a separation is taken personally and isn’t dealt with in a healthy and constructive way, we begin to carry this pain and then project it outwards. When we perceive that someone else is responsible for our pain, we automatically and subconsciously attempt to inflict this pain back on to them. The consequence of doing this is destructive for everyone, including ourselves and our children. The pain turns to suffering, which results from seeing ourselves as a victim. And sadly, our children suffer along with us. The sure sign that we’re in ‘victim land’ is when we blame our ex-partner for our circumstances.
So what’s the answer?
How do we stop this destructive cycle of blame, anger and resentment?
The only answer I believe is to look at ourselves and get help to ‘heal’. How we choose to do this, is entirely up to each individual. The turn around point for me was when I did a Journey Intensive week-end (The Journey by Brandon Bays), which had some amazing guided meditation processes ending in forgiveness. Once I started to heal my internal world, I began to witness my external world changing… and interestingly, my ex-partners responded to me differently and my relationship with them gradually improved.
I’m sharing my experience and what I’ve learned because if I had been given access to ‘healing’ tools & resources I could have learnt valuable skills to make choices based on wisdom and insight rather than just blindly following my hurt damaged EGO, then I could have done things much better for myself and my children from the beginning.
The last thing I would like to say is this… If you can’t say something nice about your ex-partner when your children are around, then don’t say anything at all. If this is the case, then make a commitment to never speak about the children’s father or mother when they are present. Even if you think they can’t hear, kids know… Children feel your energy, they see your body language and they are very intuitive, so it’s best that all communication with your ‘ex’ and about your ‘ex’ is done when the children are at school or in care.
However, if you can let go and forgive, then this is the most wonderful gift you can give to yourself and your children. Putting your ego aside and attending special events involving your kids and communicating with your ex-partner in a friendly and amicable way, is putting your kids first.
