Caring and worrying about what other people think is NOT worth it. The Secret to Enjoying Life is being brave… being brave to follow your heart and deal with any consequent pain … pain of rejection, failure, loss, criticism and so on. If we could all follow the advice of Mark Twain, we would all be living a much more fulfilling life.

Dance like nobody’s watching…

Love like you’ve never been hurt…

Sing like nobody’s listening…

And live like it’s heaven on earth

How many of us avoid doing this due to fear?

Fear of pain / hurt

Fear of  failure

Fear of rejection

Fear of embarrassment

Fear of being judged

Fear of vulnerability

Fear of loss and so on…

Why do we allow FEAR to win over ENJOYMENT?

…because most of us follow our instinctual desire and need to feel safe and secure. Staying in our comfort zone becomes more important than experiencing joy and freedom. This is the role of our Ego... to keep us feeling safe by avoiding any risk of disapproval, judgment, rejection, failure and so on.

How beautiful is it to love someone and share your inner self with them? And how wonderful is it to kiss, cuddle and make love?

But how many of us avoid doing this just in case it’s the wrong person or because it might not last and so the pain of it ending (or at least the thought of this pain) WINS over the pleasure we might get from connecting with someone and experiencing intimacy.

How wonderful is it to dance in the rain, sing out loud or skip on the beach?

But again, how many of us stop ourselves from doing this due to a fear of being observed and judged?

The ‘pain’ of being judged WINS again over the fun and joy of dancing and singing where ever and when ever we like.

And the Fear of FAILURE is probably one of the BIGGEST BLOCKS to fully enjoying life!

The pressure to be perfect, to do it right and ‘look good’ in our society creates a lot of anxiety around failure and inadequacy... The pain and fear of being judged by others and probably even more by ourselves WINS over the joy that can be experienced from just giving it a go… that is, to simply live from our heart. When we allow ourselves to go through the anxiety rather than backing off from it, we get to the other side… where we grow, learn and experience a new level of being.

We have a lot more to lose from NOT following our heart than we do from any failure, rejection or judgment we may encounter as a result.

So ‘JUST DO IT’… take a risk, follow your heart and be okay about experiencing a bit of pain knowing that the pleasure, joy and fulfillment to be gained will be worth it.

Feel the fear and do it anyway… fear is normal… it’s natural, so don’t resist it, just feel it, be aware of it and choose not to act on it, unless it’s a healthy fear of course… that is, a fear which helps us avoid dangerous situations. The concept of being brave and distinguishing between a ‘valid’ fear versus an ‘imagined’ or ‘irrational’ fear is explained in one of my books for children called My Special Voice says “I am Brave”.

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The Consequences of Kids spending too much time online are concerning… ‘Screen Culture’ is not only contributing to an unhealthy lifestyle, but it’s also affecting the development of our brains.

Although children may have a high IQ, their emotional intelligence is likely to suffer if they are spending too much time surfing the net and playing computer games as this compromises the development of certain parts of their brain.

Computers and mobile phones are a fantastic tool for communication, learning, doing business and so on, but when ‘screen culture’ dominates your life and the life of your children there is a price to pay. There’s a growing amount of research in this area and the findings are frightening. It’s becoming more evident that when we spend too much time on the net or on mobile phones our health, as well as our brain development, is compromised, particularly in children and young people.

Research by the Australian Communications & Media Authority (ACMA) shows children aged 8 to 17 are spending an average of one hour and 17 minutes a day online and 39% of parents are concerned about their child’s internet use. The ACMA report showed that 80% of girls and 65% of boys aged 14-17 have some form of web authorships, such as a profile on a social networking website, their own site or a blog.

So what are the consequences of too much computer time?

Firstly, it’s important to remember that the brain is very sensitive to the environment and adapts to it very easily, particularly a child’s brain since it is growing rapidly, so excessive exposure to online activity has an impact on the wiring of our brain.

According to Professor Susan Greenfield (Neuroscientist) the likely results are as follows:

1) Shortened Attention Span – the brain accustoms itself to a state of rapid interchange, which is what happens from playing computer games and surfing the net too much.

2) Lack of Social Skills – Children’s ability to empathize and socialize can be significantly compromised due to the brains adaptation to excessive use of computer games and online social sites. So rather than being immersed in a world of novels, books and real life events where we have access to other people’s thoughts and feelings creating opportunities for thought-provoking and creative thinking, we’re being immersed in a cyber world where computer games are action-packed and ‘unreal’ and social sites sanitise the way we interact.

Important face to face interactions therefore happen less frequently giving us less opportunities to look people in the eyes, witness and deal with their various reactions and reveal our true selves. These ‘Real Life’ interactions are necessary because they challenge us and teach us important social skills. However, hiding behind a screen to communicate is easy and doesn’t provide much opportunity for the development of resilience, empathy, confidence, appropriate social skills and ‘real life’ interaction with others.

3) An Unstable Identity - Young people’s identity and self-worth becomes strongly connected to the feedback they receive from their online profiles and they constantly look for and need reassurance that they exist from one minute to the next. The more online friends you have and the more positive feedback you get from them demonstrates your worthiness and value… this attitude leads to self-esteem issues… insecurity, an unstable sense of self and a heavy reliance on others to feel good.

4) Reckless Beahviour – The excessive use of computer games teaches you that actions don’t have consequences like in real life. It becomes all about the thrill of the moment… you can do whatever you like because it doesn’t really matter – everything is reversible. This is a bad lesson for young people because it reinforces that nothing is meaningful and there’s nothing to lose.

So what’s the answer?

Banning or restricting the internet is not the solution… it’s more likely to create a rebellious knee-jerk reaction than anything else. It’s much better to provide positive alternatives… so ask your child/children about the other things they enjoy doing and then provide an opportunity for them to do these. A gradual change that slowly replaces online activity with other activities is the best solution.

Divorce / Separation involving children is becoming more common… most parents primary concern is usually custody, property settlement, daily schedules, organizational matters and so on, but the number one priority should be the emotional well-being of the children. Although parents may think that the time children have with each parent is the most crucial factor, it’s not nearly as important as seeing ‘mummy’ and ‘daddy’ getting along and being friendly.

Firstly, it’s important to remember that it’s better to come from a broken home than to live in one (Dr Phil). So if children don’t witness a happy, harmonious, loving and affectionate parent relationship the majority of the time, but rather see frequent conflict, blame, abuse and criticism between their parents, then this is an example of living in a broken family where separation my in fact be in the best interest of the children. Although separation is difficult for children, it’s much more difficult and upsetting for them to consistently witness and be exposed to conflict, anger and bitterness between their parents.

As a parent who has gone through two separations involving children, I know how much time and energy can be spent arguing and worrying about care arrangements, financial matters, schedules and so on. But the truth is; none of this matters nearly as much as a child’s need to see their parents having an amicable and friendly relationship. Research shows that one of the things children need the most after their parents separate is to know that ‘mum and dad’ like each other and are friends. It’s that simple! Gifts, fun, excitement, sleep-overs, time with mum versus dad and so on, are not nearly as important as knowing that mum and dad are friends.

If it really is that simple… ‘to just be friendly’… then why is it so damn hard for us to do? To ask me to be friendly with my ‘ex’ in the height of our conflict over custody and property issues was like asking me to cut off my right hand. Looking back, I now realize that it was my damaged EGO that kept me stuck in blame, resentment, judgment and anger. When ‘the hurt’ we feel from a separation is taken personally and isn’t dealt with in a healthy and constructive way, we begin to carry this pain and then project it outwards. When we perceive that someone else is responsible for our pain, we automatically and subconsciously attempt to inflict this pain back on to them. The consequence of doing this is destructive for everyone, including ourselves and our children. The pain turns to suffering, which results from seeing ourselves as a victim. And sadly, our children suffer along with us. The sure sign that we’re in ‘victim land’ is when we blame our ex-partner for our circumstances.

So what’s the answer?

How do we stop this destructive cycle of blame, anger and resentment?

The only answer I believe is to look at ourselves and get help to ‘heal’. How we choose to do this, is entirely up to each individual. The turn around point for me was when I did a Journey Intensive week-end (The Journey by Brandon Bays), which had some amazing guided meditation processes ending in forgiveness. Once I started to heal my internal world, I began to witness my external world changing… and interestingly, my ex-partners responded to me differently and my relationship with them gradually improved.

I’m sharing my experience and what I’ve learned because if I had been given access to ‘healing’ tools & resources I could have learnt valuable skills to make choices based on wisdom and insight rather than just blindly following my hurt damaged EGO, then I could have done things much better for myself and my children from the beginning.

The last thing I would like to say is this… If you can’t say something nice about your ex-partner when your children are around, then don’t say anything at all. If this is the case, then make a commitment to never speak about the children’s father or mother when they are present. Even if you think they can’t hear, kids know… Children feel your energy, they see your body language and they are very intuitive, so it’s best that all communication with your ‘ex’ and about your ‘ex’ is done when the children are at school or in care.

However, if you can let go and forgive, then this is the most wonderful gift you can give to yourself and your children. Putting your ego aside and attending special events involving your kids and communicating with your ex-partner in a friendly and amicable way, is putting your kids first.

Can you motivate people to change? And if you do manage to help them change, does it last? Is it authentic real long term change?

I worked as a dietitian and personal trainer for more than 10 years trying to motivate and encourage people to change their lifestyle habits, but my success rate was low because more often than not, my clients didn’t really want to be there… and to make matters worse, they usually wanted a quick easy solution.

There’s a wise saying, “You can take a horse to water but you can’t make it drink”… This is good advice, but maybe it’s wiser to not even attempt to take the horse to water until the horse itself realizes it needs to drink. The horse may need to get damn thirsty before it actually realizes this, but when it finally does, it’s much more likely to be motivated to find water and have a drink than if it was led to water by a person who pre-empted this need before the horse was ready and aware of it’s own need to drink.

In other words, if we try to help someone by leading them to what it is we think will help them, then the message we send is this… “I know better than you.” Empowering? No, I don’t think so. I’ve tried to help people all my life by leading them and I haven’t succeeded, so I’ve now come to this conclusion… If someone is not ready to change, then they’re not ready to receive your help either, so by trying to ’show’ them or ‘help’ them you may only create more resistance and have the opposite effect.

So how do we help others?

Firstly, by example. You need to be the change that you want to see in the world and the people around you.

And secondly, by simply offerring your help and waiting to be asked for assistance… People have to be ready to receive your help and ask for it themselves, rather than being pushed, led, pursuaded or even encouraged.

What motivates change?

I believe that one of the most powerful motivations for change is PAIN. Sometimes things have to get really bad before we  finally realize and admit that we need help. And then things may have to get even worse before we actually do something about it and get the help we need.

When we learn to live and let live, we allow life to naturally unfold and for everyone to have the experiences they need to learn and grow… this way, any change that occurs is more likely to be empowering and lasting.